When I was a little girl, I loved playing board games with all my heart. I was lonely in a house full of children, but when I could get others to circle around a game board everything shifted. Since I was the youngest and my siblings were mostly highly competitive, it wasn’t about winning for me, since this rarely happened, but more about being connected. I remember feeling so much pressure to count and move quickly so I didn’t have to endure the pokes and jabs from my brother Jim, who often wouldn’t let me play, “you are too slow, or you are too young – it says ages 8 and up on the box.” Chutes and ladders and Candyland were different because there was less skill and more luck; and that I usually had. My favorite was chutes and ladders. There was a thrill and victory with every small ascent and an eager anticipation as you neared the huge ladder that took you from the bottom to the top of the board. On the flip side there were tiny slides that felt like a mini defeat and the devastating fall from the top of the board to the bottom after breaking the cookie jar. There was a sense of resilience growing each time you fell down the slide and carried on with hope that you would land on a giant ladder to bring you back. Life is like this.
There are polarities and forces that lift you high into the clouds where you feel like you are touching heaven. The ladders in life feel like magic carpets that lift you above the noise and confusion. Open doors, celebrations, the laughter and joy of children, play, work that is meaningful, a phone call from a friend when I’m feeling overwhelmed and in need of care, movement, a good book, creation, and worship music all feel like ladders lifting me above the mundane into the glorious light. The chutes feel like mercury trying to pull me down into the dark. Sometimes the force is so strong and insidious it leaves me powerless to get back up and look for another ladder. I find myself disoriented and without words. When I fall down the chute I need eyes to see me and voices of love to help me find my way back home. Once when I was in spiritual direction shortly after my sister died, I was invited to close my eyes and “find Jesus.” The image that came to me as I closed my eyes in my deepest grief was the Grand Canyon. Instead of the beautiful sun reflected red and golden hues you see at the top of the canyon at the overlooks and vistas, I found myself in the bottom of the deepest crevices. I was scared and tiny; curled up in fetal position in the dark. I couldn’t get up and “find Jesus.” I needed a savior who was big enough to rescue me. I was crushed under the weight of grief and needed to be found and picked up, comforted and held in my trembling and terror. We all need this when we find ourselves at the bottom of the chutes of life. We need people who are journeying with us, those who have gone before us and can encourage us and mirror to us the truth when we get confused or lost in the dark. We need friends to link arms with because there is power in numbers and to be human is to connect.
I find myself contracting back into the dark crevices of shame when I have needs. I feel like I am too much and it is so much easier to shut down and go to sleep or just keep climbing the ladders and trying to bring light to others on the path. It is a beautiful victory to realize that we all have needs and it is in our need that we are most human and are being given an invitation to ask so that we can receive, to seek so that we may find and to knock and knock and knock until the right door opens up.
The wisdom of the enneagram has been a beautiful gift in the discovery of what those needs are and the distorted ways we have learned to get those needs met with our own striving and scrapping. Each one of us has a unique and glorious essence to bring to the world. When we are standing in that essence it feels like climbing the highest ladder in chutes and ladders. If that character on the game board didn’t crash to the bottom holding the cookie jar, he would have been handing out cookies and sharing his unique goodness with everyone. It is time to explore, “what are the things that throw you down the chute” Is it shame, like me, or fear, or anger, or a lovely combination of these emotions? Each of these intense feelings is there for a reason. It is tied to a basic need for love and belonging, safety and security, or power and control. These needs are good and they are connected to your glorious essence. Why don’t you take a risk and climb up a ladder to risk to share a little more of your goodness with the world. If you fall down a chute and need a hand getting back up, look for the helpers and light bearers. We are on this journey together! So find a hand to help you if you fall, reach a hand to another if you are on the top of the world and link arms and stick together, because it is so much better together!