I absolutely love to travel. I get so excited to arrive at my final destination where I think all the fun, adventure and relaxation will be. All the other parts of travel however cause me stress and feel like a heavy burden to my body and soul. I long to be instantly transported to my final destination.
I’ve come to view the healing path in the same way. I desperately want to arrive at the final destination called Freedom! Redemption! Joy! Instead, I have spent sleepless nights, weeks, months and yes, even years, navigating the pain of ‘flight delays’, ‘lost luggage’ and the overall exhaustion of the long, arduous journey.
This past week was one of those long and painful ‘travel’ weeks for me.
Both my teenaged children were hurting and I couldn’t protect them or fix the losses they were experiencing. Their pain brought me face to face with my own stories of betrayal and powerlessness and I was triggered, dysregulated and feeling helpless and hopeless. I longed for the final destination of redemption and instead felt broken down on the side of the road full of frustration, anger, grief and intense pain; both physical and emotional.
I reminded myself that this was a difficult part of the journey (kind of like being stuck in a 2-hour TSA line). I began to name my powerlessness to stop my kids from suffering. In doing so, I was brought back to the implicit and explicit memories that remained in my body from my own particular stories of powerlessness and betrayal. As I named and sat with this truth, intense waves of grief came. As I allowed it, I chose to offer myself compassion and kindness. I know this is the way.
I also reached out to a few trusted friends who attuned to me and story with curiosity and love and gave me permission to rage against the injustice that my children experienced as well as the injustices in my own story that were being activated. We also named the reality of spiritual warfare against my family and prayed boldly against it. I then put on my favorite music to remind myself of the awe and wonder of God. I journaled and offered myself room to rest, sleep and feel. I also encouraged myself to find gratitude in the midst of my pain.
I wish I could tell you it’s all better; but it’s not. I am bruised, overwhelmed and exhausted by this leg of the journey. Yet, I am practicing loving myself by finding moments…
To notice the glorious sunset that fell behind the trees.
To hear my son’s laughter as it broke through his sadness.
To catch the brief but real smile on my daughter’s face for the first time in days.
To receive a call from a friend reminding me of hope.
To rest in the arms of my God’s unconditional love for me.
To be in the present moment.
To just be.
I will take these small but poignant moments and hold them close to my battered, travel weary heart. I desperately need them to continue on the journey.
I’m not sure I will ever come to like these painful parts of the journey, where everything seems like an uphill battle, but I will trust that grief, anger, confusion and pain are necessary travel partners and are the waypoints of redemption. I will defiantly explore these painful twists and turns, bringing kindness, compassion and oceans of self-care to myself as I make my way to my destination.
What is it you are needing right now for the leg of the journey you’re on? Will you take your needs seriously?
My hope and prayer is that you will.
You are so worth it.